Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Trigger was a Horse

Yesterday was one of those days. It started off really nice, I got lots of things done around the house and then I popped over to Lisa's. They returned from visiting family in England and she brought a few things back for us. When I returned home, I picked up the mail where there were some Christmas cards as there will be this time of year. One of them was from my Dad's wife. It was a Christmas card with the picture of horse (a horse? It's not like the horse was dressed up like a reindeer sitting under a hot, shirtless cowboy in a Santa hat. I could have understood that) with a handwritten message in a tone that reeks of, "we speak happily with each other on a regular basis." We don't. Ever. She likes to pretend that she's in my life. I like to pretend she doesn't exist. Not exactly healthy, but it is the best I can do at this juncture.

Normally this card would have sent me straight to the pantry where I would have gorged myself numb. I didn't hit the pantry, but I did have an anxiety attack about the possibility of my binge trigger being set off. I ripped the card up in little pieces and threw it away. I hid the lovely English biscuits that Lisa sent over in Rob's cookie tin. I then stopped for a moment and did my relaxation technique. This is my weapon against mad/sad/stressed/tired. It's what I do when I feel vulnerable or can't sleep, it's what I do to banish bad thoughts that threaten my well being.

I close my eyes and focus on taking slow, deep breaths. I imagine myself floating in a warm, fuzzy, pale blue bubble. In my head I conjure up a beautiful, soothing voice that says to me over and over, "Your mind and body are relaxed and calm." After a few minutes, whatever I'm feeling passes and I can get on with it. Or if I'm in bed, it knocks me out cold.

I got over my anxiety, I didn't binge and was able to enjoy one of those lovely English biscuits with a hot cup of gingerbread tea last evening. I have to remember that feelings are just feelings, they have no power over me. How I choose to react to them is what is going to make all the difference in my life.

1 comment:

  1. Hey, I love this post. You have no idea how much you have helped me. I am dealing with such similar issues with my dad...and yes, they can be such triggers...i appreciate your strength and applaud you.

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