Sunday, January 24, 2010

The Lies We Tell Ourselves

Something happened last week that stirred up a lot of old, some painful, memories. Once they were out, they wanted to stay out and I admit to not giving them the temporary head space they deserve in order to get processed and let go. I know this because I woke Rob up in the night screaming and punching. Poor guy. I wonder if the night terrors started because I don't medicate with food anymore? My brain's way of telling me to feel it, process it then let it go. Hmmmm.

So I'm thinking about all those time I "failed on a diet" along with the things in my life that happened that caused said failures. Because when you are on a diet and then life happens, sure as the sun rises, you will turn to food and be "off the diet." But now I realize that it's not so much that I failed because diets will fail, we all know this. It's that I didn't want to or didn't know how to deal with the crap that life handed so I turned to food. It's the lie I told myself, that food would comfort me, that food would make it better. But food didn't make it better, food was a temporary escape, just like drugs or alcohol, to bury emotions that I didn't want to face.

Temporary is the key here because those emotions always resurface, compound themselves and the eating gets more and more out of hand because we are always looking for the escape. Then we turn to diets which fail because we haven't dealt with the emotions and thus begins an ugly, ugly cycle. Fat couldn't save me from having bad things happen, just like eating an entire 2-pound bag of peanut M&M's won't make a bad day better.

There will always be bad days and bad things will happen to good people. But by the same token, there are wonderful days and good things that will happen. That's life. Constant numbing with food may take the edge off the bad things but it comes with a price. The price of health problems and misery that may just cause us to miss the good things that life has in store for us.

Now that I think about it, if one of these painful memories that got stirred up didn't happen, I wouldn't have met my wonderful husband. Sometimes we have to look past our momentary pain and realize that good things are coming and if we're too numb from food we just might miss them. So these past pains that have been stirred up will kick around for a bit. I'll give them a bit of time before I send them on their way. I'm not going to medicate with food because that's just not me anymore.


  1. AMEN sistah!! Wow, very good post, I'm definitely going to read through this a couple of times. That's good stuff!

  2. u have no idea how bad i needed this. i had severely fallen off the wagon because life has not been kind this week. i really needed this more than u'll ever know! thank u so much! xoxoxoxo

  3. andra, i might sound stupid here.. but could u explain to me about chickpeas and how to prepare them and such. i have never even touched them.

  4. You just said perfectly what I was having trouble getting out! This has happened during EVERY diet. When I have a bad day, I always say "I just NEED this (food) for my day to get better". It is truly a vicious cycle, and you have reminded me NOT to think that way.

  5. Jamie, there is nothing to the chick peas. Open the can, pour the peas into a strainer, rinse and drain well. Add them to the curry as and when the recipe calls for them and cook until tender.

  6. savage_rose again, still getting the open ID error :)...just wanted to say:

    :hugs: Andra...I was going through something on a lesser scale this week but combined detox symptoms I was just really down, and your post just uplifted the Hell out of me :) I think as we work through all the fat and stored toxins that come up, we're also working through the stored pain, the stored hurts. We tried to forget them but our bodies couldn't without us working through them. Thanks for the reminder that we CAN deal with them...thank you for sharing.

  7. Andra,
    Update on my life since you last posted about a working mom's time... My b-day was this weekend and my gift from my hubby started to be those balance fit shoes and then we decided the gift of a gym membership made more sense. We found a quiet little gym near our home and for $31 per month, can take turns getting up and going in the morning and at night. It gives us one-on-one time with our son while the other is out getting healthier and the stress out. Thanks for your post

  8. It’s difficult not to have food as a crutch to lean on during rough times. But we are strong enough to deal with our feelings without resorting to binging.

  9. Thanks for all of your comments, this post was so therapeutic for me to write. I hope it did even a little of the same for you.

    Thanks for updating us Julie! I really hope you enjoy the gym time, a little sweating is such an amazing stress reliever. Happy birthday!!!!!